Archive for the ‘Sports Humor’ Category

A Taylor Made Message To Santonio Holmes

January 21, 2011 Leave a comment

Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor told the New York Post on Wednesday that he would not hesitate to “lay out” his close friend, Jets receiver Santonio Holmes, in Sunday’s AFC title game. Taylor and Holmes, the former Steeler, are offseason workout partners and as tight as brothers, but Taylor said that friendship will be put on hold for three hours this weekend at Heinz Field. “I love him and that’s my boy, but when we get between those white lines, it’s a whole different deal,” Taylor said in an interview with The Post after practice.

Obviously, Ike Taylor was not paying attention to the Ray Anderson memo from the league last week which warned players of idle threats and carrying out said threats. It is surprising that Anderson has not commented on the Ike Taylor trash talk. But why would we be disappointed the Jets were only going to play America’s golden team the Patriots.

Taylor further said that he was going to try to be as disrespectful as possible once he and Holmes got between those white lines, the veteran Pittsburgh starter said. “Friendship doesn’t enter into it then.” What must put Holmes and the Jets on notice is that the Steelers’ hard-hitting defense is known to back up hints of bodily harm.

Taylor, who was fined $10,000 by the NFL during the preseason for striking Giants wideout Hakeem Nicks in the head, is just one of several Pittsburgh defenders familiar with the league’s disciplinary department in recent years. Linebacker James Harrison, in fact, is such a noted headhunter that the NFL has fined him four separate times this season alone for a total of $100,000, putting him on the verge of a suspension. Taylor’s comments also probably will not go over well with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in the wake of his recent efforts to cut down on unnecessarily violent hits. But Taylor, who is among the team leaders in tackles and defies the usual cornerback reputation by being physical against the run, defiantly said he plans to offer his buddy no quarter.

“I’m not going to hesitate to lay him out,” Taylor said. “No question at all. You know why? Because he ain’t going to hesitate to crack on me if he gets a chance.” Taylor, who became tight with Holmes during the wideout’s four seasons in Pittsburgh, will have to be careful carrying out that vow because hits on “defenseless receivers” are the league’s biggest point of emphasis this year.

Holmes was MVP of Super Bowl XLIII after his acrobatic, toe-tapping touchdown catch with 35 seconds left gave the Steelers a 27-23 victory over the Cardinals. But the 26-year-old was traded to the Jets for a fifth-round pick in last year’s draft, just before the NFL announced he would be suspended for four games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Come Ray Anderson, please show the same love for the Jets and Holmes…shaking my head.


Masters Nostalgia Coupled With A Pimento Cheese Sandwich

April 7, 2010 Leave a comment

The Master Golf Tournament has long been one my favorites golf events of the year; I grew up watching Arnold Palmer and Jack playing over the years. I got to love the atmosphere, pageantry, the prestige, the mannerism of the patrons, the intensity of the long putt and the uncertainty Sunday’s the leaderboard. In later years, I have fell in love with the younger players like Woods, Mickelson, Weir, Donald and yes the flamboyant fashion of Mr. Ian Poulter.

So when I actually made it to my first Masters courtesy of a kind old friend, I was even more impressed with the grandeur at Augusta National and the world class tourney it hosts every year. A ticket to the Masters is actually a “badge” which has to be returned upon the conclusion of the day or days you are in attendance. After all this is the most famous golf tourney in the whole wide world. Did you expect a souvenir?

The food you eat while attending is delightful to say the least – come on a pimento cheese sandwich is a classic, and add a moon pie. The prices for food items are set in stone for years now and that sandwich is only $1.50. I have been to the Masters twice in my life now and my fondest memories surround the time spent eating moon pies and pimento cheese sandwiches, being a permanent fixture at Amen Corner and eventually seeing the many landmarks – Crow’s Nest is definitely one to mention. The landmarks at Augusta National are as famous as the golfers who have played and won and even the players who have lost.

The great event has not been without drama, as I can recall, didn’t Fozzy Zeller start the “Fried Chicken” controversy about his speculations on Tiger’s Champions Dinner Menu and if I do remember Angel Cabrera down a few too many hamburgers after his 2009 win.
So this week, if you are watching your favorite golfer tee it up at Augusta, just remember that Augusta National is the place to be, for history, for architecture, for atmosphere, for pageantry and some weird golf fashion, i.e. the caddies dressed in that hmm white jumper. Just sit back and listen to the commentators describe the scenery and give punditry about the times they have had over the years and the champion past and present. It will be a good time I bet.

My picks on Sunday’s Leaderboard: Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Paul Casey, Luke Donald, Camilo Villegas or hmm I don’t know – some outsider – the pimento cheese sandwich. Yum!!

My Fan Resignation Letter To The Eagles

April 5, 2010 Leave a comment

Dear Mr. Lurie:

Please accept this letter of resignation as Head Hancho Eagles’ Fan effective immediately. Thank you for all the memories that the Eagles have afforded me as a fan, but as you know, my tenure as a fan ended on Sunday, April 4, 2010. I can no longer sit back and cheer on the Eagles, who are now left with Kevin Kolb (“the understudy”) and Michael Vick (“Mr. No Study”).

My time as a fan was one with so much drama, but it was my loyalty to McNabb, that caused me to support these birds for the past 11 seasons. Yes, I was a big fan of Randall, but there was the Whitney thing, I heart Hugh Douglas – ops what happened there? I still have nightmares that Brian Dawkins now plays for the Broncos, about the Terrell Owens saga that sent me to therapy, about the heartless way you cut my friend Shawn Andrews and yes the Keith Byars issue.

I question the Mick Vick acquisition last off season, but thought you Mr. Lurie had a heart, and essentially you were just trying to rehabilitate a player who was down on his luck. I thought it was an honorable thing for McNabb to do, when he said at the press conference that Michael’s acquisition was part of his idea. Little did he know that he was designing his Easter Sunday demise?

Tell me, how this came to a trade to your division rivals. After all, this is my resignation and I have now ordered my No. 5 jersey for the Redskins, because I go where Donavan goes. Have you not read my tweets, I heart the Eagles, I lived that green for years now (by the way do you even have twitter).

So as I close out this letter, it has been real, can’t say it was not a great ride. Now on to greener pastures, see you twice a year buddy. PS: By the way, Kolb was described as the understudy in Andy Reid’s presser yesterday. Question Mr. Lurie – why not keep the real thing.

Sincerely: A fan with a broken heart.

Ben Rothlisberger’s State Of Union With Roger Goodell

March 23, 2010 Leave a comment

Oh well, the NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has finally decided, that he would come out of hiding on the Ben Roethlisberger off the field issue, deciding that he would meet with the sex scandal embattled quarterback this week. For the pass three off seasons, Big Ben has been in the news for either the bike accident or sexual abuse lawsuits. As if, the allegations set forth in the Las Vegas lawsuit were not red flags enough, the NFL waited a whole year and yes another allegation, before Roethlisberger explains why and how he is so prone to girls spreading false rumors about him.

The No Fun League(“NFL”) sure does have patience with some players and then throws the books at others. God forbid that Terrell Owens, Flozell Adams or Albert Haynesworth did the same thing, they would not have been allowed to breathe, before Roger Goodell and Greg Aiello intercepted their lives, citing to every line of the NFL’s policy regarding zero tolerance for behavior detrimental to a team.

There is no doubt that public displays of drinking affection, showing NFL players gagging on Patron, Hennessey of whatever their choice of shots, should not be tolerated. But when girls are involved, anything can happened, yes “rape” or the delusion of same, could be reported to the police. Whether or not the latest victim learned from the mistakes made in the Vegas case, one will never know. Anyway you look at this, Big Ben needs to cough up to the Commish, what really happened and/or why he is always the victims of these vicious attacks.

In turn, Commissioner Goodell should decide whether or not to send Big Old Ben to rehab with Amy Winehouse, before his public display of affection with the bottle and women gets reported in the news for yet another time. It’s time for Ben to quit being a victim and more a survivor. Reports this week also surfaced that head coach, Mike Tomlin expresses concerns about Ben’s off the field issues came as no surprise to Steeler’s fans. But only time will tell on this one.

Joey Porter – Player Determined of Labba-Mouth

February 16, 2010 Leave a comment

Oh yes, I am a proud resident of the suburbs in Miami, I am believe that is an honor to live here. One may ask the billion dollar question though – am I a Miami Dolphins fan or even a Miami Heat fan? And to those who must know I am not. Somehow I find it in my heart to be a patriotic, flag carrying-buy-American activist, but for some reason, I am not digging the home teams. Maybe it’s that fact that the Dolphins treated a couple of my favorite players (like Mark Clayton, Mark Duper and Daunte Culpepper) with the cold gloves, and henceforth the commencement of my hateration.
So fast forward long after the Marks are gone, I still have no new love for the home NFL team. Of late they are like a thorn in the local fans’ side, as they have a bunch of “not so much” players sporting the Dolphins’ teal during the season. Which leads me to the “on again off again linebacker” Joey Porter. This specimen of a linebacker or so he thinks, is the most persistent loud-mouth and in your face player I have ever seen. He complains more than he needs to and even whines when he was benched during the season, for his less than stellar performance. Of late he has been demanding a trade or if he stays, he wants to be a starter. Tough luck buddy, word from the wise, Joey, there is no collective bargaining agreement in place and you are not so young yourself.
What the heck are you doing lobbying to every media person that will listen to your sad story, telling than that you only spoke to your head coach on Sundays and has not spoken to the Big Tuna (Bill Parcells) since November? Maybe you should do less talking and more listening to the noise all around you. The Dolphins, Joey did not make the playoff again for the one millionth time and you were on the bench during some of the wins and losses.
Porter who has been a solid player in Miami, stuck with them team through that unfortunate 2007 season and helped turn them around in 2008, but when all is said and done he might be remember more for what came out of his mouth than anything he did on the field.
In some respects I am sure fans would be sad to see Porter go, but it’s ugly to watch someone putting himself through such public ordeal, putting the “I” in TEAM, the fans, and the city the Dolphins represent. So Joey, take my advice, hire war room staff to do the mud slinging, heck get your agent to be the mouth piece, because that entire public outcry will get you nowhere fast in an uncapped year.

The Rooney Rule An After Thought

January 9, 2010 1 comment

The Rooney Rule, established in 2003,requires National Football League teams to interview minority candidates for head coaching and senior football operations opportunities. The rule is named after Dan Rooney, the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers and the chairman of the National Football League’s diversity committee, and indirectly the Rooney family in general, due to the Steelers’ long history of giving African Americans opportunities to serve in team leadership roles. It is often cited as an example of affirmative action. The Rule was established to make sure that qualified minority coaches were considered for high-level coaching positions. Until 1979, Fritz Pollard was the only minority head coach in NFL history (which was during the league’s early years in the 1920’s) and by the time the Rule was implemented, only Tom Flores, Art Shell, Dennis Green, Ray Rhodes, Tony Dungy, and Herman Edwards had ever held head coaching jobs. (Only Dungy and Edwards were actively head coaching when of the Rule’s implementation, though Shell and Green would later return to the sidelines as head coaches.) Dungy in particular had struggled for years before getting a head coaching job; he was often promoted as a head coaching candidate by Chuck Noll when Dungy was an assistant under Noll in the 1980’s with the Steelers, but he would not become a head coach until 1996 when he took over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Although Mr. Rooney had good intentions for minority sports professionals, the rule has done more harm than it had done good. Of course, we can say it has helped Lovie Smith, Romero Cranell, Herm Edward, Tony Dungy, Rahim Morris and Mike Tomlin. But for me, the rule is more of an annoyance, when it make news headlines with the obligatory overtone.

Over the years I have been quite irritated by the focus and attention given to the head coaches’ selection process. NFL franchises are always happy to let us know, which candidates are in the running for the vacancy, followed by the cliché “after the team complies with the Rooney Rule”. Now tell me why these teams feel like they have to compel themselves to letting us know, that they were thinking about a few minority candidates to soothe their inner thoughts a/k/a Rooney Rule.

The Rooney Rule – to use or not to use is a matter of good human principles, and not a matter of making a media alert.

If finding the best candidate is the goal of each NFL franchise, why would I want ESPN to tell me that the Seahawks has agreed to a contract in principle with Pete Carroll, but they have to make sure they entertain a few in a black, hispanic or another minority candidates first.

Do me a favor team owners save that drama for your losing record – spare me the agony and just go ahead in “principle” with Carroll or which ever over- rated candidate, you will hire and fire after one season again.

It’s okay just to say you have selected Carroll, Mangini, Daniels, Zorn or any other Coach. Heck just schedule your press conference and make the announcement like the Redskins did. Snyder surely did not think about letting us know whether he invoked the Rooney before hiring Shanahan. Political correctness is a key part of our culture, but if you have to let the media know what you are doing about the Rooney Rule…do us all a favor – go to hell.

Sports fans are not in this business of skin color, we accept whichever play-caller you select, we buy the expensive sports packages, we mortgage our homes for season tickets and we listen to post game shows, when your prodigy selection screams “playoffs, playoffs”. Personally, I think the NFL should rename the rule and call it the “Phony Rule” – no disrespect to Mr. Rooney.

Memo To Reid And McNabb

January 3, 2010 Leave a comment

Dear Andy and Donavan:

This is Alice, the biggest pain in the neck Eagles’ fan ever. I am writing this letter to you both, because my state of mind depends on it. You see, I have been up and down with these Eagles from the days of Cunningham. I have stayed up late on Sundays and Mondays and even changed my schedule for the early games. I have given up playing golf during football season, just be able to see my Eagles.

I have cried with the “almost bids” to the Superbowl and the shortcoming during the playoff bids. Yes, I have also scream my heart out during the days we have success. Heck, I am a diehard fan.

Donavan, you have made steady strides, you have been hurt and even had your selfishness challenged this year when Mike came to town. But I am thankful for the days that you are in the starting lineup. I can tell with the first snap, if you will have a great day in the huddle. But while I have not doubted your committment, today I am begging you to show up. Yes I know that Andy might not play you for the entire game, but I am begging you to play your hardest.

Andy, thank you for your leadership, courage under pressure and that calm demeanor, which has produced great success over the past decade. But make no mistake, you are as good as your last game. You and No. 5 have come a long way, and today is as important as any other record-breaking game.

Today Andy, you play the Cowboys – note to self, I loathe those freaks. But if pleasing your most outspoken fan is not enough, then just win one for the Gipper.

The Eagles’ Defense has been on fire, and I give props to Samuels and Cole, the offense get a bet sheepish and causes me insomnia sometimes. I am confident however, that the team is all on board for this last parting shot against Wade and the boys.

Hint, hint guys, the possibility does exist that the Eagles and Cowboys will meet again in the playoffs, so a win today is a must. Today, we might have to rely on Ackers to finish the job, but meeting him half way is a must.

Today boys “we play to win the game”. Today – “winning isn’t everything, is the only thing”, Today is about the heart and soul, pride and joy, do or die and any other cliché football quote.

So buckle up your chin straps and lace up your cleats, you are my prime time, cause you have to compete. Make no assumption, I will be up front and center watching – so please execute like your bonus depends on it.

Today, boys, you putt for dough and drive for show – ops thats a golf cliché, but hell you all could use it.

Sincerely – You Know!!